Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize