The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
3pm strippers are depressing
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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