ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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