I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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