so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
