Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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