Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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