At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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