I puked a lego.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
