At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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