I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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