I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
