Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
