I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
