i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This house was built for laser tag.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
