everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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