Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
