there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
