So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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