i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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