Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
