I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
