She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
