I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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