I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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