I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize