Plan B is the new Plan A
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
