i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
