I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
