his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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