Got a toothbrush?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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