So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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