tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
