The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
