WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
