I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
