dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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