Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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