i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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