I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
