can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
