it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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