while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
