She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
