he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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