I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
