I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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