I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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