I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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