took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
