Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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