im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
