I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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