Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
