Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
