I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
