FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
