Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize