We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
